The other night I was reading to my daughters as a part of our nightly devotional. The word “devotional” is used so loosely because though not irreverent, I flirt with the ridiculous as we read through the Proverbs together (“Don’t imagine yourself to be quite presentable when you haven’t had a bath in weeks”…. endless jokes here for my bath hating 11 year old). I read from The Message because they are kids and this translation makes sense to them (and me too, honestly). However, I had a strong desire to remember Jesus so I read from the book of John. This is what I read Sunday night and it brought tears of joy to my eyes:
John 1:11-18-
He [Jesus] came to his own people, but they didn’t want him. But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves. These are the God-begotten, not blood-begotten, not flesh-begotten, not sex-begotten.
Whoa! I mean…..whoa! I read it again to the girls. I explained it to them, to myself. “He made them to become their true selves, their child of God selves”
Again, whoa! Isn’t that what every struggle that was and will ever be is all about? All of it? Every struggle, strain, fear, retreat, resurgence, courageous step forward, fearful step back, prayer, plea, cry, defeat, surrender, death and ever so slow resurrection? Hasn’t ALL of my striving and failing and occasionally getting it been Jesus wooing me to want Him, to believe Him and Him revealing my truest self? Hasn’t all of it been about loving Jesus as a response to how much He loves me?
God-begotten. I am well provided for and perfectly loved.
Not blood-begotten. I am His daughter.
Not flesh-begotten. I have a new spiritual DNA.
Not sex-begotten, not the bastard child of my unmarried parents.
No, I am made for much more than that in this life.
Best of all, Jesus is making me to be my truest self. Is there anything more free, more gracious than to be fully known and completely loved? I am having to unlearn everything I have ever learned. I am not too much or too little or too edgy or too mouthy or too strong or too broken or too cocky or too complex or too troubled or too together or too numb or too emotional or too smart or too scared or too fallen or too anything. I have felt this way and been told these things by myself and by others because I have been seen through a sieve of sin. I am not “too” anything. I am not even “too” loved because Jesus’ love has no limits.
Not realizing this till lately, I have hidden my truest self from even myself. But as I have come to know just a little bit of me, I really like who I am and not because I am so great but because I see who it is that God has always intended me to be.
God knows that there is so much pain in this process. The means, though, are as important as the end. I am glad I did not have to sign up for this introduction to self because unquestionably I would not have done so. However, God knows how grateful I am that this has happened to me. By His grace and through a severe mercy, I am becoming my truest self. Again I just laugh and my eyes fill with tears, He loves me and He likes me and He is teaching me to love and like myself.
What could be crazier than this?
